失恋的季节

这是孤单的心事
我要有快乐的情事
你的微笑还是那么的真实

空气中有你的气息
那难忘的香气
在我脑海里盘旋不肯散去

想你是临睡前的习惯
心痛是我存在的证明
睁开眼一切化为烟影

New Addition - Bluey

Appreciate someone's efforts in trying to make me smile. Thank you so much :)

This is from Germany. Cannot be found in SG hor!

Now my bed is filled with LOVE!!! Where do I sleep now??

Meet Bluey :) He gave me this too! I'm not a fan of Disney stuff but still I really appreciate it :) At least he din get me something PINK! haha!

It's certain is a blessing to have someone to shower u with care and concern. Knowing that there's still ppl who care n wan u to be well n happy. But do take it slowly and don't scare me away... Too aggressive will make me want to run n hide. Take it slow n let nature takes its course :)

Sunny Sunday

Nope, I'm not emo by posting tat song. It's juz a nice song I came across :) The weather is sunny today. Scheduled to go gym den go for a run at ECP. Healthy Sunday :D Read at my cuzzie's blog, "Life's too short to brood over a failed relationship." Yes I agree. Brooding over a failed relationship only makes our short life miserable. As if it's not miserable enough! LOL~ Filling up my time with stuff I enjoy doing. I no longer have to check his schedule so I can plan mine. I do things as and when I wanted to. It's a different kind of happiness ba.

Like what Kor said, when I can listen to those meaningful n sad songs n no longer feel emo, I'm on my road to recovery. They are only nice songs which no longer makes me emo. I forced myself to listen to those songs n get myself immune to them. Like I make myself go bang the wall times n again until I get immune to everything he does n says. It's not that the wound has heal n stop bleeding, it's my heart has gained the immunity.

藍又時 孤單心事

When Mr Right comes at the wrong time

Extracted this online. Well, have you met that person but onli to realise your lost when it's too late? Dun let the person slip thr your fingers. Cherish.

When Mr Right comes at the wrong time- Janice Wong, ST, 31 Jan 2005

Timing is everything, even in love. And when you are not ready to commit, you could end up regretting it
By Janice Wong

SOMETIMES, timing rather than love decides who we end up being with - or without.

Only some lucky people marry the loves of their lives. The rest marry the most suitable person who comes along when they are ready to settle down.

A friend in his 20s came to this conclusion after confiding in me that he had recently met a woman who is more attractive than his wife, and so occupies his thoughts more often than his wife does.

'If only I had met her before I got married,' he said wistfully.

But I think even if the love of one's life appears when one is single, one may not be in the right frame of mind to recognise him or her as such.

And then love passes by.

Life is littered with near misses and lost opportunities.

I attended my ex-boyfriend's wedding last month, which triggered many memories.

We met five years ago when I was 23 and he 31. It was love at first sight.

He had an established career, was down-to-earth and steadfastly religious.

I was then working as an air stewardess and my head was - literally and metaphorically - in the clouds.

I was also - well, let's put it this way - not religious.

Despite our differences, we were soulmates. We had the same quirky sense of humour and shared long, intense overnight conversations.

But human nature is perverse. When someone is excessively nice to us, we start taking things for granted, instead of appreciating them even more.

My ex sent me to the airport, fixed my PC, reminded me to take health supplements - and go to church.

He had everything I could want in a husband - except that I was not looking for one. A boyfriend was all I could cope with then.

I loved fast cars, danced wildly at Zouk and took off on shopping holidays at a whim. My life revolved around I, me and myself.

In the six months that we were together, he popped the question several times and talked ad nauseam about having children. He wanted us to enrol for a Christian marriage preparation course.

Yes, I did often fantasise about a Vera Wang wedding gown, but I was at that stage of my life when I was more interested in Guess than Baby Guess.

And where - dare I admit it? - I still wanted to meet other men.

So I was a 23-year-old with the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old. Responsibility? Wasn't that for adults?

In short, I met Mr Right at the wrong time.

The more he talked about marriage and religion, the more I felt pressured and the more pressured I felt, the more irritable I became.

I was too impatient to compromise. Every trivial matter blew up as a big deal. My mood obliterated the good in our relationship and reached a point where I just wanted out.

He was heartbroken; I was sad but relieved. He still called me regularly, beseeching me to change my mind.

The calls stopped finally after a year. Now and then, we say 'Hi' via e-mail.

I had a few painful relationships after that. Served me right, as those rude wake-up calls were necessary for me to realise the meaninglessness of my hedonistic high life.

I missed the tenderness of my ex and began having second thoughts.

Perhaps I also felt more urgency to find someone marriageable before my biological clock reached zero hour. It dawned on me that I am not a pixie like Peter Pan who can flit around forever. One day, I'd wake up sick and alone when my fair weather friends flit away.

But I was too proud and too unsure of my ex's reaction to call him until last year.

The first thing he told me excitedly was that he had found The One. My heart tumbled to my feet. So, that's Fate.

If only I could turn back time. If only I had met him later. If only... what feeble words.

These days, I am more circumspect. I have come to terms with my loss. There is nothing I can do about timing, but I can do everything about my choices.

Sometimes, when the nights get lonely, I toy with the idea of marrying a platonic friend of mine, who often assures me earnestly that, if the worst comes to the worst, he'd be willing to marry me.

But I always dismiss that. I have already made one mistake. I should not make another by settling for second best merely for the sake of getting hitched - only to regret it soon after, as the guy who confided in me did.

Hopefully, the best is not over but yet to be.

How many times has Mr/Ms Right come into your life, but at the wrong time?

Nightmare

Finally got to sleep earlier last night but end up having nightmare n kept me up. Sickening... Today end up waking up like zombie again :( The first thing I thut of when I woke up from the nightmare was to call Mr Ex. But I know I shldn't and I dun wanna disturb him. He's not my Baobei who will be there to talk to me n ease my fear n coax me back to sleep. Why go bang myself in the wall when I can clearly see it there?

Mr Ex went into crazy mode again yest b4 gym. He dun even wan to remind frens wif me. I no longer tries to talk to him in getting back together, I juz wan to be fren. Why does he has to be so difficult? I dun wanna lose a fren, esp one which I treat as close fren. It's upsetting to know ur close fren dun wanna be ur fren anymore. He tinks tat I'm upset bcos I still feel for him. But tat's not e case. If any of my close fren choose to end our friendship, I'll be equally hurt n upset too. He tried to make me pissed but I don't.

After all those nasty words like I'm like pest n he detest me, etc... He still pass me a packet of milo to drink b4 gym =.=" He still told me to be careful when I go for my run after gym as it rained last night n the road is slippery =.=" When I left gym, he asked me to be careful on my way home =.=" If he juz be like this n be a gd fren, we will not hav to go thr tat hurting episode lo. Somehow, I'm starting to get used to his erratic behaviour. I dunno when he's gng to go bonkers again. I hope he wakes up from I-still-have-feelings-for-him idea and be a true fren to me.

After gym, I met someone dear to me for dinner. It was really a rare occasion. I hope there'll be more of such meet ups in future. I appreciate the stuff he shared with me during dinner and I shared mine with him. He told me that, "我已经很久没有真正的开心过了..." It breaks my heart to hear him said that. Where was I when he needed someone. I'm glad he talked to me last night. I told him, sometimes we dun hav to be so logical. We need to be a little bit illogical and follow the heart. Even if it fails, at least u had tried and not regret later wishing u could hav done something back then. Sometimes, u juz need to f*ck care and go for what u want. Life is a never ending learning journey. There are many grey areas with no definite right or wrong. If u tink u haven done gd enuff this time, do it better the next time round. Dun live in a life full or regrets. Regretting things u have or have not done. Juz move on n make sure u do it better the next time. Everything happens for a reason. To make us learn n to make us stronger. It's inevitable u'll go thr some emotional struggles initially. Once u hav sort out ur thuts, u r ready to set out for another journey in life to experience n to learn.

Cherish what you have and learn to appreciate little things in life. Some ppl we can nv forget. It doesn't mean we hav not let go. They were once part of our lives n we thank them for the wonderful memories they had given us. Think back n smile. At least, we were once each other's angel of happiness.

Despicable Me

Finally got to watch the movie!! YEAH!! Thanks Dear for keeping me company :) I dunno since when we started calling each other Dear. It was a long long time ago... this dear fren of mine though we seldom meet up but he's seems to appear almost everytime to see my ugliest, emo state. Hahaha... I really appreciate his company yest and I felt so much better n happier. This happiness lasted until now I still feel happy :D Dear sms me this morning to check on how I am. I smiled. Thanks for ur concern. It's very much appreciated.

The movie is sooooooo cute n funnie!! I LOVE IT! hahaha.... it's sooo awww.... I love the Minion!!! So so so so CUTE n simply irresistible! I wish I have one minion too!! hee =D Try this! http://www.miniondominion.com/

I asked Dear how long he has been courting this girl. He said 3 years. I'm like HUH??!! Now still got someone like u ah? Court for 3 yrs still nv give up. Salute! He told me that he's not the kind who will one shot throw in everything n court the girl. He believes in 细水长流. How he is treating her now will be how she'll be treated if she becomes his gf or even better than now. Unlike most guys, they court u like mad den the flame died off fast too. So would u rather have a slow n 细水长流 rs or those passionate kind of love which comes n goes fast? Though being 细水长流 can get much lesser excitement but it's for the long run. Well, makes sense. I agree. What for having a rs which u got so madly in love in the beginning and it cools off as fast as it got heated up. Nah. Not for me. As I always emphasise, Simple is Beauty.

Right now, I juz want to stay focused on clearing my work n Sep AOWD course! I cant wait to dive in the deep blue sea again!! I miss it, badly... Even if I hav to go alone on this trip, I hav the blue blue sea n beautiful creatures with me under the sea. It's not him tat matters.

On the Verge...

I'm starting to lose control over my emotions again. It's tearing me apart. I wish it could juz kill me n spare me the agony of a slow death.

Why would someone want to pull himself away when he has feelings for the person? Leaving bcos of cant cope with work, studies n rs? Rubbish. Or bcos he dun wan to be selfish n let the girl wait n like wasting her time n deprive her of opportunities of meeting someone better? This is not noble at all too. I believe in love overcome all hurdles n difficulties the couple face. They face the future together n not do such silly things. I believe in working hard together to build up the future together. When things come too easy, ppl dunno how to appreciate n cherish. After going thr' so much, I simply cnt understand how he can put everything behind. I'm willing to wait. I wan to be there to hold his hand n pull thr' this difficult time together. I dun wan him to go thr the stress n pressure alone. I wan to be there to share the burden wif him. Why cant he see that? 当两个人在一起是, 不快乐是减半, 快乐是加倍! WHY CANT HE SEE THAT HE'S THE BEST FOR ME & I WANT NOBODY ELSE? I dun care what other ppl say, I know what I need and how I feel. I really really really wish that he'll be here by my side again... Cos I love him...

我喜欢(不,我爱)

嚴爵-我喜歡(不，我愛)

我喜欢你的眼
看着我的眼
我喜欢你的脸
贴著我的脸
我喜欢你的手
牵著我的手
我喜欢你的口
吻著我的口

*时间在改变
你不要改变

Chorus
因为我很爱你
不想要你放弃爱情
尤其这段得来不易
我爱你 真的是很爱你
所以想
就这样继续爱下去

This is a new song I heard at KTV when I went KTV with my cousins and Sing's fren yest. Really nice song. I love it the first time I heard it. They chased me out of the hse yest so I will not emo on my own on a rainy day thinking of him. I miss him badly yest and wanted to sms him so much but... haiz....

My cuzzie wrote this on his FB status, "下雨天，心易碎。越思念，越感伤。只想知道远处的你是否过得好，此刻若想起了我会有什么感受？There seems to be more broken hearts on raining days. As one misses another, the hurt deepens. I wonder if you're getting on fine & if think of me, how would you be feeling?"

It really describes how I felt yest. The pain I'm feeling is so intense. The pain is back again n in folds. This is simply driving me crazy! The downtime I can keep myself sane n conc on other stuff is getting shorter. Ppl ard me dun wanna see me like this. I dun wanna be like this but it's so freaking difficult! I feel like shit. Totally sucky feeling...

Silly Girl

It's raining and raining none stop. Such a stupid weather making me all emo again n miss him even more. I miss my Baobei, not the current him (Mr Ex). No point in smsing Mr Ex to say "I miss u" cos he's not my Baobei, the one I'm missing. Sigh...

Almost everyone tells me I deserves someone better. Only 2 told me to give him some time. He's juz feeling lost now. I know who is the best for me and if he's not here, I cant be possibly settle for a 2nd best. It will not be fair to the person as I cant give him my heart. Someone once told me, to maintain a rs, the guy has to love the girl whole heartedly but the she may not need to love the guy, she juz need to understand him. I don't agree. Love has to be mutual. Otherwise the party always loving will suffer. Will this still be a blissful picture to look at? That's why I dont see the point in asking him to stay anymore. It's not going to be blissful anyway. Though I'm not any happier this way now, at least, I let him be happier. Someone is better off rather than both suffer together.

Very very long ago, I read this and I truly believe,

"If you really love the person,
Set him/her free.
If he/she comes back,
Then he/she is yours.
If not,
then Love was not meant to be."

If he comes back, I know we can walk a long long way together n find happiness together. If not, then we were juz there to help each other learn n grow in this life journey. Juz a chapter in each others' life. Despite saying all these, I will still not opening up for rs. As much as I hate being alone, I hate to go thr another heartache. I dont want to take the risk.

No more Downtime

Gym last night was great. The awkwardness is lesser n I dun feel the tension bw us. As I posted yest, to me, he's no longer the man I love. He's juz a fren. The man tat I love is from the past. Not the HIM now. Somehow having this 'differentiation' I made myself happier. Yes, I'm still sad abt the fact that the man I love most is gone but he forever lives in my heart. I managed to self therapy and make myself feeling happy everyday. It cant be compared to the wonderful times I have had wif him, at least, I'm no longer emo n teary.

Well, Mr Ex kept his promise to remind as frens. I went over to his place at CCK to change before heading to CCK gym. I was greeted with a glass of soya milk when I came out from the toilet. After gym we din have dnr as he's meeting a fren to go run n I have to head home. We went back to his place to get my stuff n he poured me a glass of milk. When I got home n showered, a sms came in. It was from him to ask whether have I reached home. He was the person I least expected to receive a sms from. I told Kor abt all these, he said I 暗爽 right? I told him, "No, I don't. In fact I dun feel anything." I really din feel anything. He pass the drinks to me I juz drink. He sms den I juz reply. Have I lost the love I have had for him? Well, the love I had is still there but not for the current him. The current him, I feel nothing. 我们只是朋友.

To that someone, I know he dun read my blog but I really dunno how to tell this to him, please dun do anything more for me. I cannot accept. Thank you for your care n concern but I really 担当不起. U'll find someone who will accept n gladly return ur love. That girl is not me. I cannot love another. I no longer have a heart. So I have no heart to give anyone or to have anyone in my heart. I can only say, "I really appreciate what you have done for me but I'm not the one for you."

Smile!

Feeling a lot better today. No more emo. The man tat I love is gone forever and nv will be back again. The him I see now is not the man tat I love. He's juz a normal fren to me now. I dun have the urge to want to hug him or even to hold his hand when I see him today. Finally :D The man I love is dead and I buried my heart along with him. No one and I really mean NO ONE will hav access to it. Please leave my heart alone to be with him. Please do not disturb.

***

AN & LSP juz made my day today :D I was shivering like mad this morning! Guess I have lost too much fats to keep myself warm ba. She saw my fingers trembling when I was typing. She told me to put on 2 jackets n go warm myself with the hand dryer. I look like an Eskimo now =.=" den she was telling LSP this,

AN: 你看她冷到这样!

LSP: 哈哈! 因为她没有 fats to keep her warm mah.

AN: 对啦! 你看她瘦到这样, 那里还有 fats?

hehehe :D 听了都爽!

Random

I hate the Gym at Redhill. Old, crowded n unfriendly patrons. Not gng to go back there ever again! It's a normal sight we need to queue up and share the machine if the machine is in high demand. But this idiot n his frens juz kept rotating to do their routine n heck care abt others who r waiting in line to use it! KNS! When approached them to ask whether can share the machine, tat idiotic fella says, "NO! Waiti till we fin our sets!" I'm like WTF! You dun freaking own the Gym lo. U wan to be selfish n hav it to urself, go get one on ur own! U r juz paying $2.50 per Gym session n u act like wat, u the BOSS?? Made me damn pissed. This nv happened to me when I was at other Gyms.

The machines there were old too n I dun really like them. There's no stadium for me to run n the place is too ulu for me to run outside, end up I ran on the threadmill. The stupid threadmill is placed facing the mirror. So when u run, u look at urself in the mirror! Made me feel so 'argh!' Seriously, I dun enjoy looking at myself in the mirror n run lo....

The weighing machine is not working too...

In conclusion, I dislike this Gym. I still prefer CCK Gym. Spacious, friendly ppl (some even offered to correct my posture n give me tips!), nice new equipment n the threadmill faces the swimming pool.... So when I lazy to run outside, at least I can run on the threadmill n watch ppl swim. HAHAHA!

Told Mr Ex I really juz treat him as a close fren now. I admit I still feel for him but I know everything's over. I still love him. I'm willing to let him go. As long as he is happier. He says he feels awkward seeing me cos he knows I still feel for him. I told him, juz treat as I don't n let the awkwardness go. Keeping him as a fren will go a longer way than having him as a bf. Friendships are usu more lasting, at least I know he'll still be there. I'm already contented. 爱不需要占有, 我只要他开心就好. 偶尔想起以前与他的种种, 心还是会隐隐做痛. 时间会来帮我的忙, 慢慢带走我的伤痛.

True love is not what I seek.

I have buried my heart where no one can reach.

***

Why do people have to lie? Their intention may be good but I still feel that it's better to tell the truth than you lie. Here's an example:

Guy: I'm meeting my sec sch frens tonight for dinner n juz chill.

Gal: Oh ok, so where r u peeps gng?

Guy: Dunno yet haven decide.

Gal: Oh. So u all meet up first den decide?

Guy: Ya.

It's dumb. In most occasions, such gathering would have been pre-planned and how can it be so last min, oh meet up den decide? Gal felt something is amiss and checked Guy's email. She can feel her heart sank n went all cold by what she saw. She saw a movie booking confirmation for 2 tickets. She wanted to give him another chance to come clean. So she called him.

Gal: Where r u now?

Guy: Dhoby Guat.

Gal: Oh u meeting them there?

Guy: Ya.

Gal: So how many of u meeting?

Guy: 3 or 4 ba.

Gal: Oh really? So have u all decided where for dinner?

Guy: Dunno yet.

Gal: So u gng to catch a movie b4 that?

Guy: No.

Gal: I'm sorry that I checked your email. But I saw ur booking confirmation for 2 tickets.

Guy: Ok yes, I'm not meeting my sec sch frens. I'm meeting XXX.

Gal: If u r meeting XXX den why did u lie?

Guy: I'm afraid u'll feel uncomfortable abt it.

Gal: I'm perfectly fine with u meeting up with her. I'm totally pissed tat u lied. It's not as if I dunno her too.

Guy: I dun wan u to feel uncomfortable abt me meeting her. And why did u check my email?

Gal: I felt something is not right so I checked. I believe in my 6th sense. I'm sorry tat I did. But if u didn't lie would I have done it? Though saying the truth may hurt at times, by lying is even worse when found out.

Guy: Give me my privacy. If not, u'll nv see me again.

Ok, the gal is at fault for intruding into the guy's privacy but if he come clean with her, she dun hav to feel uneasy abt it. Both were at fault. But guys, if u wan ur gal to trust u, u have to be truthful in the first place. If u 'spoilt market' on ur own n cause ur gal to be suspicious of u all the time, well, u asked for it. Dun get pissed when she dun believe u when u tell the truth. U were the one who broke the trust she had in u in the first place.

Neglected

It's been months since I last updated. In May. Gosh. That's how long I have been neglecting my blog n my readers :( These few months has been REALLY ups and downs for me. BF (shld be ex-BF) brought me to heaven and thrown me into hell. It hurts so much I think it can nv recover. At least for now I feel so...

ex-BF din like me to blog abt stuff abt us. Esp those times when we quarrel n have disputes. He thinks that it's something between the 2 of us, he dun wanna share or tell anyone abt it. So he broke up with me, he says he cant be bothered with how others think of his actions and he dun wanna tell anyone abt it. He juz wants me to understand why he left. It's not bcos he dun love me anymore, he felt tat it's for the better for me. Whatever it is, we are still frens now. See how things go ba. 要看开一点.

Being single again, made me realised how much I missed my family and frens. I needed the time for myself, my family n my frens. Well, it's not too bad a thing after all ba :)